What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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