I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
