I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
