Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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