Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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