If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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