i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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