I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
