Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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