His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
