she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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