don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just pee around me
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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