My hair reeks of homosexuality.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
