well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
