Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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