Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
