she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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