Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
