I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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