On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Rumble strips road head = magical
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
