Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
