You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
