How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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