I queefed so loud it echoed.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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