It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
