i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
