Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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