I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
