some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
