remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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