I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
