Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
