I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
