I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
