I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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