yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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