i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
