if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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