You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
