I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
