My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
