How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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