My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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