I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
