Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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