dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
