My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
