Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
