So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
