Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
